Saturday, April 01, 2006
Valentine's Day: If you're not scared, you're not a guy
(Guelph Mercury, Feb. 11, 2006)
CHUCK BROWN
OUT THERE
February's arrival means different things to different people.
I, for one, stuck my head out the door on Groundhog Day and saw that Danish embassies were burning, the American deficit had hit $423 billion and gecko lizards are giving toddlers in Florida salmonella.
Needless to say, I went back to bed with a tub of mint chocolate chip and the Hart to Hart Season One DVD set.
But with Groundhog Day behind us, my thoughts have turned to more important issues.
Like how to survive Valentine's Day.
For sensitive, caring, emotionally balanced people, Valentine's Day is a chance for couples to set aside that all-too-rare time together, to take a time out for love and reaffirm the warmth they feel in their hearts on a cold winter day.
For the rest of the population, known collectively as "guys," Feb. 14 means pitchers and catchers will be reporting for spring training any old time now.
Did you catch the subtle difference in those two interpretations of Valentine's Day? Here's a breakdown.
"Sensitive, caring, emotionally balanced people'' like to spend time with loved ones while doing things like nurturing their spirit by, say, snuggling.
Guys like to spend time watching sports with other guys while doing things like nurturing their spirit by, say, seeing who can fit the most jalapeno peppers in their mouth and still whistle the Gilligan's Island theme. I know the previous statements are sweeping generalizations and some people would say to me, "Jeff, you've over-simplified some rather complex sociological issues.''
To which I would say, "Chuck. It's Chuck, not Jeff.''
I would also say, "What, pray, is so wrong with oversimplifying things?''
Oversimplifying is one of my more endearing characteristics. It's the kind of thinking that makes me an excellent father. I know, for example, that if a baby is upset it's either because she's hungry, she needs to belch or she's wet herself. I can relate. There aren't many problems that can't be solved with Cheezits, a guttural emission or a fresh set of Fruit of the Looms.
And that's exactly why Valentine's Day is such a special, special day ("day'' in the sense of "monumental problem'').
There is nothing simple about it and guys just aren't emotionally intelligent enough to have figured out Valentine's Day. In fact, guys just aren't emotionally intelligent enough to have figured out potpourri, making the bed or fabric softener either.
It's not that we don't want to do something special for Valentine's, it's just that we want to do something special AND easy.
Ask the guy in your life what he wants for Valentine's Day and when he finishes chortling like Beavis, ask him, "No, seriously, what?'' and there's a good chance he'll say, "For the special person in my life to tell me I don't have to worry about shopping for a gift.''
When you've stopped beating him with his remote control, try to see the poor guy's point. The pressure is suffocating, the options are endless.
Does the guy go with something romantic, like obscenely shaped chocolates? Or does he opt for something cute, like a googlie-eyed, heart-shaped plush toy that comes in an "I Heart You'' coffee mug? Or what about something classy, something just for her, like an Orange County Choppers thong?
If you have any pity for your guy, end his torment and pick yourself up a nice Valentine's gift and give it to you, from him.
Then you can enjoy an intimate Valentine's dinner where you can enjoy each other's company, gaze into each other's eyes and talk . . . maybe about the balk rule.
CHUCK BROWN
OUT THERE
February's arrival means different things to different people.
I, for one, stuck my head out the door on Groundhog Day and saw that Danish embassies were burning, the American deficit had hit $423 billion and gecko lizards are giving toddlers in Florida salmonella.
Needless to say, I went back to bed with a tub of mint chocolate chip and the Hart to Hart Season One DVD set.
But with Groundhog Day behind us, my thoughts have turned to more important issues.
Like how to survive Valentine's Day.
For sensitive, caring, emotionally balanced people, Valentine's Day is a chance for couples to set aside that all-too-rare time together, to take a time out for love and reaffirm the warmth they feel in their hearts on a cold winter day.
For the rest of the population, known collectively as "guys," Feb. 14 means pitchers and catchers will be reporting for spring training any old time now.
Did you catch the subtle difference in those two interpretations of Valentine's Day? Here's a breakdown.
"Sensitive, caring, emotionally balanced people'' like to spend time with loved ones while doing things like nurturing their spirit by, say, snuggling.
Guys like to spend time watching sports with other guys while doing things like nurturing their spirit by, say, seeing who can fit the most jalapeno peppers in their mouth and still whistle the Gilligan's Island theme. I know the previous statements are sweeping generalizations and some people would say to me, "Jeff, you've over-simplified some rather complex sociological issues.''
To which I would say, "Chuck. It's Chuck, not Jeff.''
I would also say, "What, pray, is so wrong with oversimplifying things?''
Oversimplifying is one of my more endearing characteristics. It's the kind of thinking that makes me an excellent father. I know, for example, that if a baby is upset it's either because she's hungry, she needs to belch or she's wet herself. I can relate. There aren't many problems that can't be solved with Cheezits, a guttural emission or a fresh set of Fruit of the Looms.
And that's exactly why Valentine's Day is such a special, special day ("day'' in the sense of "monumental problem'').
There is nothing simple about it and guys just aren't emotionally intelligent enough to have figured out Valentine's Day. In fact, guys just aren't emotionally intelligent enough to have figured out potpourri, making the bed or fabric softener either.
It's not that we don't want to do something special for Valentine's, it's just that we want to do something special AND easy.
Ask the guy in your life what he wants for Valentine's Day and when he finishes chortling like Beavis, ask him, "No, seriously, what?'' and there's a good chance he'll say, "For the special person in my life to tell me I don't have to worry about shopping for a gift.''
When you've stopped beating him with his remote control, try to see the poor guy's point. The pressure is suffocating, the options are endless.
Does the guy go with something romantic, like obscenely shaped chocolates? Or does he opt for something cute, like a googlie-eyed, heart-shaped plush toy that comes in an "I Heart You'' coffee mug? Or what about something classy, something just for her, like an Orange County Choppers thong?
If you have any pity for your guy, end his torment and pick yourself up a nice Valentine's gift and give it to you, from him.
Then you can enjoy an intimate Valentine's dinner where you can enjoy each other's company, gaze into each other's eyes and talk . . . maybe about the balk rule.
