Saturday, April 01, 2006
This Super Bowl is brought to you by . . .
(Guelph Mercuty, Feb, 4, 2006)
CHUCK BROWN
OUT THERE
Hello football fans and people who don't so much care for football or sports in general but who will still tune in to 25 hours of Super Bowl pre-game, halftime, post-game and roughly 60 minutes of actual game tomorrow!
Welcome to my Tater Tots Super Bowl XL column, brought to you by Tater Tots! Remember, if you aren't serving your family Tater Tots frozen potato fun shapes, you probably don't really love them (your family, that is, because everyone LOVES Tater Tots!).
If you're like me, anticipation for tomorrow's big game has you drooling like Dr. Phil at a Krispy Kreme buffet. I am totally jacked, stoked, revved, amped and even somewhat hyped about what is sure to be a classic matchup between the team from Pittsburgh and their challengers, known in football lingo as "the other team.''
Go team, I say.
And that brings us to the pivotal fourth paragraph of my Tater Tots Super Bowl XL column. The fourth paragraph, brought to you by Laurentien brand coloured pencils, the finest name in coloured pencils since 1951. Laurentien -- please don't stab your classmates with us even if they did call you a "booger-eating booger-head!''
Now back to the game . . . er . . . column. Here are my Ab Doer II Keys to the Super Bowl, as determined through extensive statistical analysis otherwise known as "stuff I think I might have heard somewhere so it's probably true.''
INJURIES: This will be a major factor. I predict you'll see at least a half dozen groin strains . . . and that's just during the Rolling Stones halftime show.
THE LONG SNAPPER: This is among the most demanding jobs in all of sports, mainly because it's really, really hard to impress girls by telling them you're the long snapper. And if your name is John, the Long John Snapper jokes get old fast.
MOUTH GUARDS: This is one of the most vital pieces of equipment in any Super Bowl, not only for its ability to protect players from head injuries but, in an emergency, for preventing John Madden from eating an entire punting unit.
SPORTSMANSHIP: You and I don't have jobs that allow us to do The Worm, The Sprinkler, The Dirty Bird or The Ickey Shuffle every time we complete the task we're paid for so we'll have to live through the players as we watch Sunday's heroes celebrate their accomplishments in flamboyant style.
The various touchdown celebrations will either entertain or infuriate you or maybe they'll inspire you. (Note: The Monday after the Super Bowl is the only day of the year you might . . . MIGHT . . . be able to get away with an Electric Slide to celebrate finishing the Johnson account).
Now that you know what to look for during the game, let's dig in to the truly important stuff with my Hot Smoothie Guide to Super Bowl Party Etiquette. Remember, Hot Smoothie, the No. 1 choice in pastel-coloured novelty beverage treats served at odd temperatures. That's Hot Smoothie -- it seemed like a good idea to someone!
The key to being a hit at your Super Bowl Party is simple: don't be a doofus. I know it sounds like a tall order -- I'm looking at you, James Frey -- but anyone can do it.
With good coaching and a 110 per cent effort, YOU can impress all your sloppy, nacho-filled friends just by following this guide to WHAT NOT TO SAY AT THE SUPER BOWL PARTY . . .
Stop talking about football! I'm trying to listen to India.Arie!
So . . . anyone seen Brokeback Mountain? Note: Rule does not apply if you're at a Super Bowl party at Big Gay Tex's Chick'n'Rib Emporium.
Can we flick to the Marple Mystery on CBC?
Hey Doug, check out MY wardrobe malfunction.
Have some more chili, everyone, we still haven't found my daughter's missing retainer.
If you don't trust yourself to not say something doofusish, there's an even simpler, more foolproof way for you to optimize your Super Bowl experience: drink beer, eat snacks, say, "Nice play.'' Repeat.
And please, don't forget to support our sponsors.
CHUCK BROWN
OUT THERE
Hello football fans and people who don't so much care for football or sports in general but who will still tune in to 25 hours of Super Bowl pre-game, halftime, post-game and roughly 60 minutes of actual game tomorrow!
Welcome to my Tater Tots Super Bowl XL column, brought to you by Tater Tots! Remember, if you aren't serving your family Tater Tots frozen potato fun shapes, you probably don't really love them (your family, that is, because everyone LOVES Tater Tots!).
If you're like me, anticipation for tomorrow's big game has you drooling like Dr. Phil at a Krispy Kreme buffet. I am totally jacked, stoked, revved, amped and even somewhat hyped about what is sure to be a classic matchup between the team from Pittsburgh and their challengers, known in football lingo as "the other team.''
Go team, I say.
And that brings us to the pivotal fourth paragraph of my Tater Tots Super Bowl XL column. The fourth paragraph, brought to you by Laurentien brand coloured pencils, the finest name in coloured pencils since 1951. Laurentien -- please don't stab your classmates with us even if they did call you a "booger-eating booger-head!''
Now back to the game . . . er . . . column. Here are my Ab Doer II Keys to the Super Bowl, as determined through extensive statistical analysis otherwise known as "stuff I think I might have heard somewhere so it's probably true.''
INJURIES: This will be a major factor. I predict you'll see at least a half dozen groin strains . . . and that's just during the Rolling Stones halftime show.
THE LONG SNAPPER: This is among the most demanding jobs in all of sports, mainly because it's really, really hard to impress girls by telling them you're the long snapper. And if your name is John, the Long John Snapper jokes get old fast.
MOUTH GUARDS: This is one of the most vital pieces of equipment in any Super Bowl, not only for its ability to protect players from head injuries but, in an emergency, for preventing John Madden from eating an entire punting unit.
SPORTSMANSHIP: You and I don't have jobs that allow us to do The Worm, The Sprinkler, The Dirty Bird or The Ickey Shuffle every time we complete the task we're paid for so we'll have to live through the players as we watch Sunday's heroes celebrate their accomplishments in flamboyant style.
The various touchdown celebrations will either entertain or infuriate you or maybe they'll inspire you. (Note: The Monday after the Super Bowl is the only day of the year you might . . . MIGHT . . . be able to get away with an Electric Slide to celebrate finishing the Johnson account).
Now that you know what to look for during the game, let's dig in to the truly important stuff with my Hot Smoothie Guide to Super Bowl Party Etiquette. Remember, Hot Smoothie, the No. 1 choice in pastel-coloured novelty beverage treats served at odd temperatures. That's Hot Smoothie -- it seemed like a good idea to someone!
The key to being a hit at your Super Bowl Party is simple: don't be a doofus. I know it sounds like a tall order -- I'm looking at you, James Frey -- but anyone can do it.
With good coaching and a 110 per cent effort, YOU can impress all your sloppy, nacho-filled friends just by following this guide to WHAT NOT TO SAY AT THE SUPER BOWL PARTY . . .
Stop talking about football! I'm trying to listen to India.Arie!
So . . . anyone seen Brokeback Mountain? Note: Rule does not apply if you're at a Super Bowl party at Big Gay Tex's Chick'n'Rib Emporium.
Can we flick to the Marple Mystery on CBC?
Hey Doug, check out MY wardrobe malfunction.
Have some more chili, everyone, we still haven't found my daughter's missing retainer.
If you don't trust yourself to not say something doofusish, there's an even simpler, more foolproof way for you to optimize your Super Bowl experience: drink beer, eat snacks, say, "Nice play.'' Repeat.
And please, don't forget to support our sponsors.
