Chuck's Sample Columns

(Guelph Mercury, March 4, 2006)

CHUCK BROWN
OUT THERE


Well it's the night before Oscar, a time for movie lovers to prep for some serious star gazing and for me to call Wayne Gretzky's wife's bookie. (Seriously, nothing will get you riveted to the sound-editing award like putting the kids' college fund on it . . . C'mon Memoirs of a Geisha.)

For those who aren't insiders in the Hollywood scene, I'd compare the Oscars to the Academy Awards of the movie world. They are indeed that big. These awards are so big, so meaningful that they say it's an honour just to be nominated. The people who say this are known, in show business terms, as "the losers.''

Winning an Academy Award, on the other hand, is a life-altering experience. When a producer, actor, writer, director or anyone else can put "Academy Award winner'' in front of their name, they have a ticket to do almost anything in Hollywood.

For example, Ben Affleck shared an Oscar for writing the 1998 screenplay for Good Will Hunting. He then used his Academy Award-winning powers to bring movie lovers Gigli, Daredevil and Surviving Christmas.

So who will Oscar smile on tomorrow night? If you're not really sure or you don't know what to make of this year's field of Best Picture nominees, here's a guide to help you decide who to root for, what to see at the Cineplex, what to wait for on DVD and what to fake a stomach flu for when your wife says, "Guess what I rented for us for tonight?''

CAPOTE

Synopsis: Weirdo freaky author guy Truman Capote bonds with a pair of killers and turns their story into the bestseller, In Cold Blood.

Starring: Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who is expected to win the best actor Oscar for his portrayal of an openly flamboyant cartoon squirrel.

Sound smart at your Oscar party: "Capote wrote In Cold Blood, a great book that I've heard of.''

Chuck's thumb says: Way up. Capote is a thrilling masterwork and Hoffman puts in one of the best performances since Hoffman (the other Hoffman) in Tootsie. Of course, I'm just going by the clips they show on talk shows because I haven't actually had a chance to see Capote.

MUNICH

Synopsis: Eleven Israeli athletes are murdered at the 1972 Munich Olympics. If you can think of something funny to say here, you may have my job.

Starring: Eric Bana and a bunch of great actors I've never heard of. OK, I'm lying. I had never heard of Eric Bana either until someone told me he played The Hulk.

Sound smart at your Oscar party: "Munich is good but could have been better if Spielberg spent more time on it.''

Chuck's thumb says: Mmm, didn't see this one either. Shouldn't Spielberg be working on a new Indiana Jones movie? That would be cool.

CRASH

Synopsis: The lives of various L.A. residents from various ethnic backgrounds and various social strati and various degrees of Sandra Bullockness intermingle as a result of a series of car crashes.

Starring: Matt Dillon and many other big Hollywood stars who are totally cool with not being nominated for acting awards. Or are they?

Sound smart at your Oscar party: "Crash is a moving, thoughtful exploration of racial issues.''

Chuck's thumb says: Good flick, saw it on DVD a few months ago and Crash should definitely win best picture. Unless it goes to another movie, in which case, who am I to argue?

GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK

Synopsis: Through newsman Edward R. Murrow we learn that the 1950s weren't as carefree and innocent as history has us believe.

Starring: Oh, you know, the guy from, oh, shoot, what was he in before. Geez, I know I recognize him . . . Oh ya, he was in an episode of The Equalizer.

Sound smart at your Oscar party: "McCarthy, now that guy was a booger brain.''

Chuck's thumb says: OK, I didn't actually get a chance to see this one either but George Clooney has never done me wrong. Except for that time I lost a bet about whether he was that Dr. Pepper I'm a Pepper, You're a Pepper, She's a Pepper, He's a Pepper, wouldn't ya like to be a Pepper too . . . guy.

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Synopsis: Cowboys rope and wrangle on the range and, when they get a chance, play serious snugglemuffins.

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal (pronounced "Smith'') and Heath Ledger.

Sound smart at your Oscar party: "The whole homosexual thing is irrelevant. This is simply a touching, gripping film. Why are you snickering?''

Chuck's thumb says: All right, I didn't actually see it but I, for one, am not at all uncomfortable with the whole homosexual love story theme. It worked in Personal Best, so why not here?