Saturday, April 01, 2006
Now is the time to strengthen your resolution resolve
(Guelph Mercury, Feb. 18, 2006)
CHUCK BROWN
OUT THERE
This is the time of year for us to start breaking all those ridiculous New Year's resolutions we made way back on Jan. 1 when, in a moment of weakness known as "wooo, yeah, more mango rum!" we laid out a plan to become better people.
After a few weeks pass, it's tough to stick to those promises.
Say, for example, you made a resolution to not shoot any of your 78-year-old friends in the face with a shotgun. And say, for example, you broke that resolution and shot your 78-year-old friend in the face with a shotgun. What do you do now?
Well, one thing you can't do is slide into a funk, give up on your resolution and start shooting all of your friends in the face.
What you can do is take that friend that you shot in the face and make lemonade. Think of it this way: that which does not kill you, makes you stronger.
Unless you happen to get shot in the face.
In that case, that which does not kill you lands you in intensive care full of bird shot and in constant danger that bits of metal will lodge themselves in your vital organs. On the upside, you got to miss The Pink Panther.
Here to help you get back on resolution track are some soothing words of advice from someone who can feel your pain. Note: the previous sentence does not apply to anyone who has been shot in the face; that pain I cannot relate to.
The resolution: I will quit smoking.
How's that working for you: I'm back smoking because I really, really, really, really like to smoke. Plus it makes me look cool.
Take it from me: I'd like to say that I've been there, that I totally understand your addiction and that I know how hard it is to quit. I'd like to say that because then I could feel smug and superior and powerful. But I've never quit smoking. I've never started smoking. But I think I can relate. I was once powerfully addicted to cargo pants. I couldn't wear anything else because they're comfortable and they have enough pockets to house an entire family of ferrets. I didn't have a homeless ferret family so my wife made me quit the cargos cold turkey. She made it easier when she said they made me look hippy.
The resolution: I will get in shape.
How's that working for you: My Speedo still makes me look like a giant kaiser bun.
Take it from me: I am in excellent shape (compared to the average manatee) because I play "old-timers hockey" or our version of hockey known as "fall down and try to make someone on the other team fall down with you." The activity helps fulfill government physical fitness guidelines, which I know because after playing I can feel a strong heartbeat in my nostrils and it doesn't go away until I've refuelled my body with, roughly, a brewery.
The resolution: I will clean my house.
How's that working for you: The house was clean for almost the first week of 2006, then Desperate Housewives came out of reruns and the ol' laundry just ain't doing itself.
Take it from me: The key to keeping a clean house is to first define "clean." If you start with the idea that clean means "free from dirt, pollution, contamination or disease" then you will be able to focus squarely on the important task of finding a new definition of clean. I like to go with, "free from livestock, decomposing tubers, visible dandruff and . . . well, let's just stick with the livestock thing and see how that goes."
The resolution: I will start doing research before I write stories and I will try to make them factual and informative.
How's that working for you: OK, OK, you got me. This was my resolution. So, how's it going? Well . . . Umm . . . let me just check something . . . bear with me I have to switch screens and go to Google for a quick sec . . . ah, yes, there it is. . . . the National Research Council of Canada says . . .oh never mind. Research is for sucks. Smart, well-paid, highly-respected sucks.
Take it from me: As you can see, I'm having a hard time with this resolution. I just can't see the big, as we say in journalism, whoop-de-do, about gathering facts and compiling credible data. Unless there's a chance that research starts saying things like cargo pants help promote hair growth with a possible side effect that causes pectoral buffness. Wear 'em if you got 'em.
CHUCK BROWN
OUT THERE
This is the time of year for us to start breaking all those ridiculous New Year's resolutions we made way back on Jan. 1 when, in a moment of weakness known as "wooo, yeah, more mango rum!" we laid out a plan to become better people.
After a few weeks pass, it's tough to stick to those promises.
Say, for example, you made a resolution to not shoot any of your 78-year-old friends in the face with a shotgun. And say, for example, you broke that resolution and shot your 78-year-old friend in the face with a shotgun. What do you do now?
Well, one thing you can't do is slide into a funk, give up on your resolution and start shooting all of your friends in the face.
What you can do is take that friend that you shot in the face and make lemonade. Think of it this way: that which does not kill you, makes you stronger.
Unless you happen to get shot in the face.
In that case, that which does not kill you lands you in intensive care full of bird shot and in constant danger that bits of metal will lodge themselves in your vital organs. On the upside, you got to miss The Pink Panther.
Here to help you get back on resolution track are some soothing words of advice from someone who can feel your pain. Note: the previous sentence does not apply to anyone who has been shot in the face; that pain I cannot relate to.
The resolution: I will quit smoking.
How's that working for you: I'm back smoking because I really, really, really, really like to smoke. Plus it makes me look cool.
Take it from me: I'd like to say that I've been there, that I totally understand your addiction and that I know how hard it is to quit. I'd like to say that because then I could feel smug and superior and powerful. But I've never quit smoking. I've never started smoking. But I think I can relate. I was once powerfully addicted to cargo pants. I couldn't wear anything else because they're comfortable and they have enough pockets to house an entire family of ferrets. I didn't have a homeless ferret family so my wife made me quit the cargos cold turkey. She made it easier when she said they made me look hippy.
The resolution: I will get in shape.
How's that working for you: My Speedo still makes me look like a giant kaiser bun.
Take it from me: I am in excellent shape (compared to the average manatee) because I play "old-timers hockey" or our version of hockey known as "fall down and try to make someone on the other team fall down with you." The activity helps fulfill government physical fitness guidelines, which I know because after playing I can feel a strong heartbeat in my nostrils and it doesn't go away until I've refuelled my body with, roughly, a brewery.
The resolution: I will clean my house.
How's that working for you: The house was clean for almost the first week of 2006, then Desperate Housewives came out of reruns and the ol' laundry just ain't doing itself.
Take it from me: The key to keeping a clean house is to first define "clean." If you start with the idea that clean means "free from dirt, pollution, contamination or disease" then you will be able to focus squarely on the important task of finding a new definition of clean. I like to go with, "free from livestock, decomposing tubers, visible dandruff and . . . well, let's just stick with the livestock thing and see how that goes."
The resolution: I will start doing research before I write stories and I will try to make them factual and informative.
How's that working for you: OK, OK, you got me. This was my resolution. So, how's it going? Well . . . Umm . . . let me just check something . . . bear with me I have to switch screens and go to Google for a quick sec . . . ah, yes, there it is. . . . the National Research Council of Canada says . . .oh never mind. Research is for sucks. Smart, well-paid, highly-respected sucks.
Take it from me: As you can see, I'm having a hard time with this resolution. I just can't see the big, as we say in journalism, whoop-de-do, about gathering facts and compiling credible data. Unless there's a chance that research starts saying things like cargo pants help promote hair growth with a possible side effect that causes pectoral buffness. Wear 'em if you got 'em.
