Saturday, April 01, 2006
Love hurts for raging ravens and Cadillac owners
(Telegraph-Journal)
CHUCK BROWN
OUT THERE
So, it's that uncomfortable time when a columnist has to sit down with his readers for a talk about the birds and the, well, in this case, Chevy Uplanders.
See, when people reach a certain stage in their development, they notice changes. Boys, for example, start to pay attention to Speed Stick. And girls, no matter how much you try to reason with them, will refuse to believe that Ashton Kutcher isn't really a very good actor.
And birds, well, birds start to notice, and I mean really, really "notice," sport utility vehicles, pick-up trucks and Cadillacs.
The intense noticing is caused by “hormones” which are also a leading cause of salmon swimming upstream and guys dancing at weddings with their neckties tied around their heads.
People in the city of Moncton, New Brunswick, learned all about bird hormones this spring when a group of ravens started to "notice" vehicles at the city’s industrial park.
In their passionate noticing they caused about $15,000 in damage while our supposed "Defense Department" does nothing.
University professor Gay Hansen, a bird expert, said the destructive behavior is caused by raging raven hormones. Bird hormones are so powerful that they can make even a Hyundai look appealing... in a certain light... and with just the right Dido song playing softly from its FM radio.
Now, love is complex. It means many things to many people... or forms of wildlife. I don’t know if this is love but when a male raven looks into a shiny car door and sees his reflection, he doesn't do a quick scan for nose hairs or flex his wing to see if he’s ripped. He thinks he's looking at another raven and, logically, tries to greet the new acquaintance by pecking it to death, as love-struck ravens will do.
This is because ravens are territorial birds, meaning they have brains the size of pistachio nuts. We know this because when ravens aren’t demonstrating their love by attacking motor vehicles, they’re showing it by jumping on Oprah’s couch.
And it isn't just ravens that are going berserk. In Florida, peacocks are terrorizing rich retired people who live near places like the Chassahowitzka National Wildlife Refuge (pronounced "reff-yooj").
The birds are strutting, scratching paint off cars and bashing their beaks into windows, which, really, is not the kind of behavior you would expect of a peacock. A disgruntled Paris Hilton, perhaps, but I always thought peacocks were above this kind of thing.
I didn’t know peacocks could be violent. It’s another one of nature's miracles that a creature can be described as both "terrorizing" and "flamboyantly showy."
But peacock victim Janet DeVico’s story reveals birds that are more Russell Crowe than Elton John. The birds pecked her new Cadillac to death.
"Whoever dreamed that when you buy a car, it'd be ruined by peacocks," she said. "I mean, come on."
Raven victims in Moncton solved their problem by hiring a pest control company to trap the birds (opening a minivan door and telling them to hop in if they want ice cream then driving them to a Florida retirement community is an excellent raven removal technique).
But the peacock problem is more explosive in Florida. I know this because a pest control guy said the peacock problem in Florida "explosive” because opinions on the birds are mixed. Some people see them as poop-making feathery bags of vermin while the others see them as "showy" poop-making feathery bags of vermin.
The bird expert in Moncton says relax, the pecking will stop when breeding season ends.
Or as scientists put it -- and there's just no sugar-coating this -- their gonads will recede (the ravens', not the scientists').
This raises several important questions. Can you say "receding raven gonads" in a newspaper? If so, can you say it five times fast? And can you cover a receding gonad with a comb-over?
I mean, come on!
CHUCK BROWN
OUT THERE
So, it's that uncomfortable time when a columnist has to sit down with his readers for a talk about the birds and the, well, in this case, Chevy Uplanders.
See, when people reach a certain stage in their development, they notice changes. Boys, for example, start to pay attention to Speed Stick. And girls, no matter how much you try to reason with them, will refuse to believe that Ashton Kutcher isn't really a very good actor.
And birds, well, birds start to notice, and I mean really, really "notice," sport utility vehicles, pick-up trucks and Cadillacs.
The intense noticing is caused by “hormones” which are also a leading cause of salmon swimming upstream and guys dancing at weddings with their neckties tied around their heads.
People in the city of Moncton, New Brunswick, learned all about bird hormones this spring when a group of ravens started to "notice" vehicles at the city’s industrial park.
In their passionate noticing they caused about $15,000 in damage while our supposed "Defense Department" does nothing.
University professor Gay Hansen, a bird expert, said the destructive behavior is caused by raging raven hormones. Bird hormones are so powerful that they can make even a Hyundai look appealing... in a certain light... and with just the right Dido song playing softly from its FM radio.
Now, love is complex. It means many things to many people... or forms of wildlife. I don’t know if this is love but when a male raven looks into a shiny car door and sees his reflection, he doesn't do a quick scan for nose hairs or flex his wing to see if he’s ripped. He thinks he's looking at another raven and, logically, tries to greet the new acquaintance by pecking it to death, as love-struck ravens will do.
This is because ravens are territorial birds, meaning they have brains the size of pistachio nuts. We know this because when ravens aren’t demonstrating their love by attacking motor vehicles, they’re showing it by jumping on Oprah’s couch.
And it isn't just ravens that are going berserk. In Florida, peacocks are terrorizing rich retired people who live near places like the Chassahowitzka National Wildlife Refuge (pronounced "reff-yooj").
The birds are strutting, scratching paint off cars and bashing their beaks into windows, which, really, is not the kind of behavior you would expect of a peacock. A disgruntled Paris Hilton, perhaps, but I always thought peacocks were above this kind of thing.
I didn’t know peacocks could be violent. It’s another one of nature's miracles that a creature can be described as both "terrorizing" and "flamboyantly showy."
But peacock victim Janet DeVico’s story reveals birds that are more Russell Crowe than Elton John. The birds pecked her new Cadillac to death.
"Whoever dreamed that when you buy a car, it'd be ruined by peacocks," she said. "I mean, come on."
Raven victims in Moncton solved their problem by hiring a pest control company to trap the birds (opening a minivan door and telling them to hop in if they want ice cream then driving them to a Florida retirement community is an excellent raven removal technique).
But the peacock problem is more explosive in Florida. I know this because a pest control guy said the peacock problem in Florida "explosive” because opinions on the birds are mixed. Some people see them as poop-making feathery bags of vermin while the others see them as "showy" poop-making feathery bags of vermin.
The bird expert in Moncton says relax, the pecking will stop when breeding season ends.
Or as scientists put it -- and there's just no sugar-coating this -- their gonads will recede (the ravens', not the scientists').
This raises several important questions. Can you say "receding raven gonads" in a newspaper? If so, can you say it five times fast? And can you cover a receding gonad with a comb-over?
I mean, come on!
