Saturday, April 01, 2006
Engaging questions popping up everywhere
(Telegraph-Journal, May 23, 2005; Also, in another version called Popping the question, The Penguin Anthology of Canadian Humour, March 2006)
Chuck Brown
Out There
Today's important topic is one to which most of us can relate - guys who propose marriage by having the engagement ring delivered by a really cute kitty and the friends who mock them.
I have a friend (who I'll identify only as Jim Rice over concerns that using his real name will result in my face being struck by a solid object, possibly a nine-iron) who did just that.
It's so romantic and sweet that when I heard about it for the first time I truly thought I was going to yarf on the spot (the spot being my friend's linoleum).
I asked him for details about how and why he proposed using a kitten and my friend looked deep into his heart to reply, "Shut up, Chuck."
The kitty proposal is one of those cultural turning points that will change the world of guys forever. It's like the first time a guy picked up his prom date in a limo and now every guy has to do it or risk being labeled "rational" or "sane."
It's like that time at the Zodiac Roller Rink when I was 12 and the DJ announced a "Moonlight Skate for couples only" and all the guys gathered to resume our ongoing debate about whether Darth Vader could beat up Jaws. But when we looked for input from our buddy Forbes, he was Moonlight Skating... with a girl!
After that, we all had to Moonlight Skate and soon after that we all had to Moonlight Skate... with girls!
Those early, awkward pairings were our first steps on the road to maturity. We became more self-aware and introspective and we demonstrated this by using hair mousse and sniffing our clothes before wearing them to school to make sure they didn't smell like wet goat.
And now, thanks to my friend, Jim Rice, guys have to put a lot more thought (OK, thought) into how to propose marriage.
The days of guys popping the question the old-fashioned way - on stadium scoreboards - are gone. And guys can't just copy the kitten idea. They have to be different. And not just different like, using a gopher instead of a kitten different. Guys will have to come up with an Original Idea.
Creativity comes easily when guys are, say, trying to fix a leaky pipe so they don't have to call a plumber but not so easily when guys are, say, asking someone to join them in a binding union until one of them dies, or meets someone better in an Internet chat room.
Unable to top my friend's kitty scheme, guys will turn anywhere for inspiration. Maybe even here.
And I have found a doozie. Propose by e-mail. That's number 24 on a list of engagement ideas on the website Diamond Helpers.com
They are telling guys to e-mail their bride-to-be a picture of a diamond along with the message, "Will you marry me?"
The site also suggests timing the delivery so you can see her reaction. I think it's an excellent idea, if by "reaction" they mean, "feelings of confusion, anger, dejection, more confusion then laughter through tears as she tells co-workers that the guy she thought she loved actually proposed in an e-mail."
As impersonal as an e-mail proposal is, I like it better than number 26 on the list - hide the ring in the butter dish. Or number 34, which I am not making up, train a parrot to say, "Will you marry me."
I also found a story about a guy in Florida who created a fake lottery ticket, which his now-wife scratched to reveal a picture of a diamond ring and the message, "Will you marry me?"
Awww. I'm no a bride-to-be but something tells me that proposal is just about as sweet and gross as my friend with the kitten.
And now I know why they did it. They are victims of chicken poisoning.
Last year Glamour magazine printed a recipe for Engagement Chicken and has since received dozens of letters from women saying it worked.
I'm glad it worked on my friend, Jim Rice, and his fiancée because mature guys like me love going to weddings.
When the DJ plays a Moonlight Dance for couples only, it gives us a chance to debate whether a DeWalt Heavy-Duty Reciprocating Saw could beat up a Hummer.
Chuck Brown
Out There
Today's important topic is one to which most of us can relate - guys who propose marriage by having the engagement ring delivered by a really cute kitty and the friends who mock them.
I have a friend (who I'll identify only as Jim Rice over concerns that using his real name will result in my face being struck by a solid object, possibly a nine-iron) who did just that.
It's so romantic and sweet that when I heard about it for the first time I truly thought I was going to yarf on the spot (the spot being my friend's linoleum).
I asked him for details about how and why he proposed using a kitten and my friend looked deep into his heart to reply, "Shut up, Chuck."
The kitty proposal is one of those cultural turning points that will change the world of guys forever. It's like the first time a guy picked up his prom date in a limo and now every guy has to do it or risk being labeled "rational" or "sane."
It's like that time at the Zodiac Roller Rink when I was 12 and the DJ announced a "Moonlight Skate for couples only" and all the guys gathered to resume our ongoing debate about whether Darth Vader could beat up Jaws. But when we looked for input from our buddy Forbes, he was Moonlight Skating... with a girl!
After that, we all had to Moonlight Skate and soon after that we all had to Moonlight Skate... with girls!
Those early, awkward pairings were our first steps on the road to maturity. We became more self-aware and introspective and we demonstrated this by using hair mousse and sniffing our clothes before wearing them to school to make sure they didn't smell like wet goat.
And now, thanks to my friend, Jim Rice, guys have to put a lot more thought (OK, thought) into how to propose marriage.
The days of guys popping the question the old-fashioned way - on stadium scoreboards - are gone. And guys can't just copy the kitten idea. They have to be different. And not just different like, using a gopher instead of a kitten different. Guys will have to come up with an Original Idea.
Creativity comes easily when guys are, say, trying to fix a leaky pipe so they don't have to call a plumber but not so easily when guys are, say, asking someone to join them in a binding union until one of them dies, or meets someone better in an Internet chat room.
Unable to top my friend's kitty scheme, guys will turn anywhere for inspiration. Maybe even here.
And I have found a doozie. Propose by e-mail. That's number 24 on a list of engagement ideas on the website Diamond Helpers.com
They are telling guys to e-mail their bride-to-be a picture of a diamond along with the message, "Will you marry me?"
The site also suggests timing the delivery so you can see her reaction. I think it's an excellent idea, if by "reaction" they mean, "feelings of confusion, anger, dejection, more confusion then laughter through tears as she tells co-workers that the guy she thought she loved actually proposed in an e-mail."
As impersonal as an e-mail proposal is, I like it better than number 26 on the list - hide the ring in the butter dish. Or number 34, which I am not making up, train a parrot to say, "Will you marry me."
I also found a story about a guy in Florida who created a fake lottery ticket, which his now-wife scratched to reveal a picture of a diamond ring and the message, "Will you marry me?"
Awww. I'm no a bride-to-be but something tells me that proposal is just about as sweet and gross as my friend with the kitten.
And now I know why they did it. They are victims of chicken poisoning.
Last year Glamour magazine printed a recipe for Engagement Chicken and has since received dozens of letters from women saying it worked.
I'm glad it worked on my friend, Jim Rice, and his fiancée because mature guys like me love going to weddings.
When the DJ plays a Moonlight Dance for couples only, it gives us a chance to debate whether a DeWalt Heavy-Duty Reciprocating Saw could beat up a Hummer.
